Fire?

“Fire!” lied the alarm, sending a jolt of adrenaline through me in the wee hours. I leaped out of bed, flung open a sky hatch, and pushed the hush button. “Smoke previously detected,” she explained. I smelled no smoke. I saw no fire. I felt no warmth in the walls or roof. Topside, the solar LED lanterns were cool. I found no cause for alarm.

“False Evidence Appearing Real,” was how my eye therapist defined Fear. I no longer believe that – Fear is a messenger like all the emotions, and should be investigated – and, it is sometimes hard to figure out the cause. What am I doing or not doing? What’s happening? Unraveling takes time.

My internal alarm goes off quite a bit, though not as much as it used to. Anxiety has a vivid imagination: sinking! crashing! dismasting! anchor dragging! chain breaking! mold! But the more I pay attention and investigate – look at the landmarks, we are not dragging; look at the mast and chain, both whole and holding; look at the bilge under the sole (floor), no water; air and dry the interior often – the quieter she becomes. Self-care is also key: don’t get too tired or hungry, meditate often, and check in with The Ancestors. They always tell the truth.

I have a tendency to talk to The Ancestors out loud. And the older I get, the less I care whether I’m overheard. I was having a grand conversation with my mother (who transitioned in 2022) while scrubbing the deck. Tears and laughter, as well as a real aha! moment: she was making amends! As I was finishing up, neighbors dinghied over from their too-close boat. “Are you okay?” asked a man with an accent. Dutch?

“Yeah, thanks,” I replied, puzzled. They offered to bring bread or fruit from the village, but I declined.

Later, Amusement turned up. Sound carries over the calm and windless sea. I’ve had to listen to arguments and parties from boats farther away than theirs. They must have heard my heated discussion with the invisible madre. Ah well. No cause for alarm.