listening to love
-
Fish Friend
Green, silver, tiny, and in my face. Quick fish darts to my mask: once, twice, three times. It is possible to laugh through a snorkel tube. I’ve seen at least 25 species of fish this morning. This one’s about an inch and a half, if that, two-tone: mottled green along the top half, silver along…
-
Ireland
Mimi and Pappap took us to Ireland when I was eleven. Great-Aunt Maude had died — one of my favorite relatives of all time — and left enough for the five of us to tour the island. It was fabulous. There was an Irish wolfhound at a castle that allowed my five-year-old brother to ride.…
-
Severing Ties
I recently accepted the sad decision to sever ties with a brother. I will no longer tolerate his atrocious behavior. He has lost the sister who sang him his first song ex-utero. He has lost the sister who helped raise him. He has lost the sister who loves him beyond measure. It was not an…
-
Backlash
“Donate a share of your inheritance to my daughter promptly,” demanded James, and I laughed. It reminds me of his “great idea” in 2018 to hand over my brand-new 4Runner. No matter that I was 2000 miles away, trying to reconcile with our mother. Whenever I start a creative project, inevitably there is a backlash.…
-
Memory Problems
My father seems to have memory problems. He forgets that his only daughter loves him and means him no harm. And so he writes venomous missives. The first time this happened, I’d just published “Free Love Ain’t” in a national anthology of essays by folks who’d survived so-called counterculture parents. Back then I read and…
-
Turning Toward
Turning toward love is harder than it sounds.
-
4 Months in a Jetta
Nine years ago, at the recommendation of a doctor, I evacuated my home in Olympia, Washington. It was terrifyingly difficult to breathe, and she suspected long-term black mold toxicity. I could not keep any paper, fabric, wood — my life’s work, basically. Wearing a hazmat suit and mask, I sorted through my belongings, setting cast-offs…
-
Distressed
So, my baby brother would rather hire an attorney than apologize to me. What happened to him? The boy I watched over when my mother was too nuts to do so? And, get this, my father paid the retainer. Wow. I am a swan, not an ugly duckling. I do not fit the fam. Nonetheless,…
-
Dancing Aunties
Peach, green, blue: aunt, aunt, niece. They sit around the dining room table heads down and focused: crossword, sudoku, school-work. I gaze at them from the kitchen, quiet — they are flowers. I revel in their presence until one of them looks up. “Hey!” their smiles feed me. A song comes on the niece’s laptop,…
-
Struggling with Wait
I have been heavier. I have been lighter. It rarely has anything to do with calories. Mostly it has to do with happiness. When I set my needs and wants aside – for work, family, friends – I suffer. Self-loathing sets in, the mind attacks the body: you’re fat. You’re over-weight. But in fact I’m…
words & art by shé 