essays by shé

listening to love

  • Hungary 1989

    I got the part in Howling V. Hunh. I was sure they’d give it to the blonder cheerleader frequenting the Mary Lou callbacks, but no — I’m going to Budapest. For years I’d been saying my last name was Hungarian (it isn’t), now I’d be there — filming! — for five weeks. Got my passport,…

  • Shark

    Three feet below me, dark-skinned, about four feet long, swimming along the bottom of the sea, tail moving side to side: shark. I disagreed with, and eventually laughed at, my biological father today. I was trying to understand why he sent his bizarre attack email, but he refused to explain. He called me irrational, and…

  • Backward

    On the north shore, there’s a particular reef full of many species of fish, large and small. Sometimes I also see turtles. To access it, I rappel down the cliff, holding onto ropes with both hands and stepping backward. The beach is at the bottom. I also travel backward in time, looking hard at the…

  • Wahines on the Waves

    Bethany Hamilton. At Maureen’s this morning, a break I surfed all February, March, and April. Wow! I grew up in L.A, so celebrities don’t usually thrill me. But I am still smiling hours later after watching this professional surfista paddle out one-armed. Part of it has to do with gender. I didn’t know any girls…

  • Acting Happy

    “How did you get into acting?” asked an aficionado of Howling V recently (I played the pink-sweatered sweetie in the movie). The smart-ass answer used to be, “I’ve been acting happy my whole life.” But I was also enthralled with the performers at the Agoura Renaissance Faire when I was a kid. The costumes! The…

  • Bat Signal

    I bought the ring after Emmett died. When you pressed the button on the side, the Bat Signal lit up. It was hugely satisfying. John and I used to tear around the house with towels around our necks, fighting crime. Nanananananananana – Batman! I’d snagged the window seat on a flight to Oakland. The plane…

  • Existence

    Neither your cruelty nor your kindness have anything to do with me. I can stop trying to please or ameliorate or grovel or lie or be grateful or tiptoe. I don’t have to hide or avoid or ignore: I can speak up. I can question. I can disagree. My opinions matter. My feelings matter. I…

  • Fish Friend

    Green, silver, tiny, and in my face. Quick fish darts to my mask: once, twice, three times. It is possible to laugh through a snorkel tube. I’ve seen at least 25 species of fish this morning. This one’s about an inch and a half, if that, two-tone: mottled green along the top half, silver along…

  • Ireland

    Mimi and Pappap took us to Ireland when I was eleven. Great-Aunt Maude had died — one of my favorite relatives of all time — and left enough for the five of us to tour the island. It was fabulous. There was an Irish wolfhound at a castle that allowed my five-year-old brother to ride.…

  • Severing Ties

    I recently accepted the sad decision to sever ties with a brother. I will no longer tolerate his atrocious behavior. He has lost the sister who sang him his first song ex-utero. He has lost the sister who helped raise him. He has lost the sister who loves him beyond measure. It was not an…