essays by shé

Essay #44: what if?

What if there was nothing riding on your success or failure? No approval or disapproval, no appreciation or disappointment, no money, no love, no friendship, no future work. No pressure. Nothing.

Would you do the difficult task? Would you even try, or would you drop it altogether? Maybe you’d gleefully fool around, exploring different possibilities with simple curiosity. Or take a break and let the subconscious deal with it for a while. Maybe you’d ask for help, or be more open to suggestion — no shame, no blame, everything’s beautiful, as Dancer Meg says.

When I face something challenging, like writing an essay or dancing upside down, a loud voice takes up residence in my head: I am never going to be able to do it. No way. When I look a little closer, I detect two conflicting beliefs: I must, and I can’t.

I must triggers fear and dread. I can’t triggers despair and lethargy. Not your healthiest cocktail. Usually, I force myself to overcome these exhausting thoughts. Try to give myself a little pep talk, or some such. But, really, there’s nothing peppy about it. More like the sergeant in Private Benjamin (or any other war movie): Get out of bed, you lazy loser! Get a move on! Time’s a-wasting! Just do it! Fucking Nike.

Screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno, United States of Tara) claims to enjoy the process of writing more than the thrill and relief of having written. I want that. I want to enjoy the process, the #$%&* journey. I want to enjoy my life. (Radical idea!)

Today, tired of the overwhelming thoughts and resultant sick stomach, I tried something different. Instead of resisting, I investigated them, meditated on them, one at a time. Must I do it? Can I do it?

Must I? No. These are not commissioned essays. I’m the one imposing the deadline. I do not have to post anything today or ever again. Do I want to? Yes. These essays are a gift to myself. I want to keep my promise to publish. There has been a dearth of Elizabeth, a paucity, a lack. I have been holding back.

Can I? I have no idea. I’ve posted 43 essays so far. Chances are good I can do it again. We’ll see.

Handy little phrases, no? Must I, Do I want to, Can I.

Evidently I can, because here’s essay #44. Only four more to go.
No pressure.




4 responses to “Essay #44: what if?”

  1. heavyduty1 Avatar

    Few people, other than close friends and relatives, are aware of your Must I? /Can I? – Success/approval dilemmas. On the other hand, these are the people with whom you interact and to whom you probably direct most of your inner dialogues. Perhaps if you could turn them off, consider them ‘otherwise occupied’ for a time, you could, during the ‘down time’, allow the universe to come to you.

    I’m just saying…

    1. elizabethshe Avatar

      Is it truly possible to turn them off? Don’t they just run in the background? I’d rather face them, when I can, and see how they are and have been affecting me. That is how the universe comes to me, and I come to the universe.

  2. RFW Whitlock (@Berdww) Avatar

    Yes to courageously sitting with uncomfortable feelings, and being comforted by the truth that all that is shall come to pass. The only constancy is that there is always change… In confronting unpleasant feelings about ourselves, or in relationship to others, we have an opportunity to learn and grow, to evolve consciousness. To gain awareness.

    It’s not easy. I suggest small bites at first! Life can feel like a burden, and can be seem to be full of pain and disappointment. But the truth is that in a sane society, (as opposed to an insane society,) we could all get along. And we all have the tools that we need to get along, in a world that makes sense. If only we lived in a world that made sense.


    1. elizabethshe Avatar

      Thanks for commenting, Berd. Small bites is good advice, interspersed with copious amounts of fun. (talking to myself here!) And perhaps the world makes sense to others, maybe whoever/whatever created it.

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