The Journey

Habibi came with a mug that encourages me to enjoy the journey. 

I’m not always able to do this.

Some days, say, when the engine is leaking saltwater and the cockroaches are jauntily taking over the boat, I say to that cup, Fuck you!

Other days, say, when there’s a rainbow or I’ve just met a bumpy-headed dorado while swimming, I say to the cup, Yeah!

But it’s all part of it, this life, this journey: the trials and the triumphs.

I am ashamed of how afraid I am most of the time. So I’ve been meditating on Fear and Terror and Worry. It’s hard to stop resisting them and actually listen to their messages. But when I can do this — listen — there is an easing, a breathing, an opening. And I can hear that everything really is okay.

I’ve been worried about a leak sinking Habibi. But I’ve tolerated the slow leaking away of my true Self for decades, and almost sank completely a couple of times. It has been a real eye-opener, living on the ocean and writing full-time, doing exactly what I want. Some days I’m so happy that I can’t sleep at night. Ideas flow through in a constant stream, and I have to get up and write them down. 

The weather and water are turning cooler, so I retrieved the wetsuit from the truck, along with the hood and booties. Everytime I look at them, hanging on the door to the head, I smile. They remind me that, yes, I did learn to surf, in cold water, and not so long ago. I can definitely figure out sailing, it’s a matter of time and patience. Not my strong suit, Patience. Amped by Anxiety, I forget that there is absolutely no need to hurry, scurry, or worry. For anything or anyone.

This morning I rowed to the swim spot. The wind was blowing, so I was reluctant to go. But Tink was banging against Habibi, so I loaded her up and cast off. Once I got going, it was fine. Yes, I had to put my back into it to counter the wind, but I quickly got into a rhythm. The body loves to move, but the mind talks her out of it.

The ocean is choppy today, and I’m careful of the rocks when I get in. But the water is still warmish — no need wetsuit yet — and it’s calm below the surface. Like me.