“There’s something frightening, and magical, about being on the ocean, moving between the heavens and the earth, knowing that you can encounter anything on your journey.” —Lynne Cox, Grayson: a Memoir
Anxiety attacked recently, and I finally figured out (it’s hard to think when she’s screaming) that it’s been a year since I left Topolobampo, sailing solo through the twisty turns of the shallow canal.
It’s been a year since I turned on the VHF midway and heard the Capitanía calling, directly me quickly out of the path of the incoming nine-story car ferry from La Paz. Habibi was the mouse too close to the lion, hidden from sight behind a bend in the narrow channel.
It’s been a year since I survived three lightning storms in a row, wondering if my 40-plus-foot mast would be struck.
It’s been a year since I tethered myself to a lifeline and crawled forward to reef the mainsail, only to have it blown vertical to the deck, grotesquely bending the battens.
It’s been a year since terrifying winds ripped the line tying the boom to a port shroud, then tore the boom vang from its pulley.
It’s been a year since the jib cover tore, caught on the fore-shrouds, and refused to furl.
It’s been a year since I wondered whether the biggest waves I’d ever encountered on the boat would capsize us, and whether I could swim to shore fifteen kilometers away.
It’s been a year since the depth-sounder alarm startled me again and again, warning of a shoal that wasn’t there. (I banged through layers of onboard computer settings to turn it off, and vigilantly watched the water.)
It’s been a year since I sailed night after sleepless night, searching for a safe anchorage to no avail.
Of course Anxiety gripped my throat. Don’t you remember? That was not fun or interesting, it was frightening! Stay right where you are! Stoicism is not your friend! I am!
But I also haven’t forgotten that the ocean is magical. This week, to my surprise and delight, bodysurfing waves appeared nearby. Eleven rides in a row! That’s my kind of excitement: the Bod in the water, zooming with Joy.
Bookshelf:
Romy & Julio
Diary of a Reluctant Traveler: 15 months on the road from coast to coast to coast
Sea Change: stories & splashes
Shoulds are for Saints: the true life adventures of Suzy Le Speed
Dance First …ask questions later: poems & paintings
words & art by shé 
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